Thoughts on.....Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda.

Look, I'm not necessarily proud of this, but back in 1989 I joined a Co-dependency Support Group, mainly to get laid. As I reasoned, where better to find a group of vulnerable women, who with just a little manipulation, I could make succumb to my nefarious charms. And as the only rooster amongst twelve (overall attractive) hens, the odds were definitely in my favor. And ultimately I did hook-up with one, the one who introduced me to the group, the one who was my initial target anyway.

Now I'm sure there are those of you who have already seen the flaw in my logic. In my defense I plead ........I was not getting laid enough. A defense I know the men whom reading this are readily accepting, while the women are tsk, tsk, tsk-ing me with stern glances. (At least those women who are getting laid enough.) However, I did not see the flaw until it was too late. When I finally did, it was a real slap in the face. Literally. You see, for the most part, women who belong to Co-dependent Support Groups are, in a word....................CRAZY!!  (Now if you are reading this, and are a member of such a group, well.........I'm sure you're not.)  And she was. We hung out for about a month, and I spent an increasing amount of time at her place.  As time progressed though,  I noticed her moods would fluctuate dramatically at the slightest trigger. I found myself walking on eggshells, and one night for no reason I could discern, she simply snapped. We were having a pleasant conversation on an innocuous subject, both of us smiling, when she hauled off and slapped my face as hard as she could. OK, I told her, I'll just leave and talk to you tomorrow. Then she really went berserk, screaming and crying, striking my shoulders repeatedly with her fists. She was a strong women, and I knew I would not be able to subdue her without hurting her, so I waited for her calm down. We went to bed, but before she came in the room, I heard her in the kitchen, rustling through the silverware drawer. I just know she came to bed with a knife, and I slept as physically close to her as possible, hoping she would not get enough leverage to skewer me properly. You've heard the phrase  sleeping with one eye open I'm sure. I am here to tell you it can be done. In the morning I let her use the bathroom first, and as soon as I heard the shower start, threw on enough clothes to keep me from being arrested, snatched up the rest of my stuff, tossed it all in the back of the pick-up, and spun the tires getting out of there.

On a more positive note, she did get me to eat more grilled fish.

And the important note she taught me, a basic tenet one learns in a Co-dependency Support Group, is the destructive nature of using the word 'Should.' People rarely react positively when told they should do something. People are defensive when told they should do this. People usually don't hear anything after being told they should do that. Once pointed out to me, it made so much sense. And I used should all the time, positive that my advice to a person was the best alternative for them to consider. How could I have been so arrogant, especially once I realized I usually rejected anything after being told I should do it. By using should, we are usurping that other person's right to make their own decisions. It is up to them to decide what should be done.

If you want to give a person advice, or offer them alternative solutions or positions, simply let them know what they could do. Change on single letter and the aggressive 'should' becomes the benign 'could.' It is a helpful word, 'who doesn't want to know what they could do?' It is non-threatening, 'you could consider this.'  Could allows a person to consider other possibilities without the obligation of accepting them. Could leaves the ultimate decision to that person. I know I respond more positively to could, and since that time have tried to minimize my use of should.

I think you should could also.

Don