Thoughts on.....Me, Pt.3

Part Three

That was in late February. For the next few months I was content to let the processes move at their own pace, as I tried to establish a healthy routine. And though I was now looking towards the light, I felt I was still too close to the darkness, and wanted to move farther away. I needed to surround myself with people, with friends, but Eve and I never had anyone in our lives but our families, so I had no friends to draw upon. So I turned to my friends on Facebook. I don't have a huge number of friends (42), and some of those I rarely communicate with, but I have a core of people I like 'hanging out with,' and I began to rely on them, on you, to help me cope. And if I give a special thanks to Nicki, Rhea Lynn, Janet, and Marta, it is not because I value your friendship less, but that they were the first to reach out, embrace, and pull me into this family. As time passed, I became more engaged with that family, and my life was as normal as it had been in a long time. And as I stood there then, towards the light, I could still feel the darkness behind me, and I worried that I might fall back towards it. I had made a dramatic turn, a dramatic change in my life, and was heading in the right direction, but I was not there yet. Something, I felt, still had to occur.

And it did, in the most unexpected, and tragic, of circumstances. On July 23rd, I made a humorous observation concerning naked women, tattoos, and the Internet, which got a lot of responses. Later in the evening, I got a reply from Cindy Snellgrove, who told me she has a small rose tattoo, to cover a scar left by a chest tube, inserted after a car accident. So I had to trump her scar with mine, left when I had my left radial artery removed, for a heart bypass. So Cindy informed me, her husband Bill had the exact same scar, from his heart bypass. And then she wrote this:   This past Sunday Bill had a heart attack and we've been in the hospital since. It was pretty significant heart attack and he's now on a ventilator and has a balloon pump in his heart and arterial lines and all sorts of terrible things. I'm thinking he's gonna have a few more scars if we can get healthy enough for the heart surgery. I'll take prayers too. I must admit I was startled, this bit of news, coming out of the blue, as it had.

Cindy was not just a friend. We had dated for a few months, back in Fairborn, and was a favorite model of mine when I was into photography, and has a special place I my memories. I offered my hopes and prayers for them both, and tried to lighten her spirit as best I could. But then on the 25th, she wrote this:  "I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers. Bill passed away this morning. His heart just wasn't able to overcome the damage and he slipped into God's arms...." It broke my heart to know she was going to experience the same pain I had felt just four years before, and I wanted nothing more than to guide her through the pitfalls I knew she would face. I had no one to help me, so I was determined to help her. We conversed here, on Facebook, at first, but soon our discussions into the unexpected problems she would encounter became specific, and not for public consumption. So we messaged back and forth, me pointing out how she needed to get the bank accounts, the car titles, the deeds, the insurance, all in order. But the thing I wanted to prepare her for most was the roller coaster ride of emotions she would experience, the unexpected feelings, the feelings that could change in an instant. And also to not suppress those feeling, and especially to never apologize for those feelings. We are all human, and this is what being a human is all about. I told her that not all these feelings will be sad. For every moment of grief and loss, there will be more of happiness and love. That is what is often forgotten at this time, that death is the re-affirmation of life. So I continued to give advice and comfort, as best I could.

I don't remember if it was a single instance, or an accumulation of discussions, I only know I repeated a common theme, that she would get through this, she would be whole, she would be happy again, she was strong and her life would go on, she would never really lose Bill, he would always be with her, she had friends that cared about her. And on those bad days, when she doubted she could ever be happy again, I repeated this list again, and again, until she started to believe it. And as she started to believe it, she saw the pain I was still suffering, and began to say to me, Donnie, you will get through this, you will be whole, you will be happy, you are strong and your life will go on, you will never lose Eve, she will always be with you, you have friends that care about you. That was the final epiphany.  I could not ask Cindy to accept from me anything I would not accept for myself. And that was when I knew that I would be healed, happy, whole.  From now on, the darkness would remain behind, and I would only look to the light.

It was a little humbling to discover I had the ability to heal myself all along, and didn't believe it, or didn't allow myself to believe it. I see now I never wanted to kill myself, I allowed myself to think there were no other alternatives. But there are always alternatives, and as I said earlier, suicide is not a viable option. And now I have a clearer picture of where I want to go, what I want to do, the man I want to be. It is ironic, that as someone who has always loved science fiction, and reading about the future, I never saw myself in the future. Now I do see myself in the future, doing things I want to do, meeting people and making friends, finding someone to share a life together, being happy, being alive.

One of the things I plan on doing, is writing (like you didn't guess that already).  I have always loved to write, and believe that is where I have the best chance of achieving my goals. One of my gifts, is the gift of laughter. I can make people smile, I can make people shake their heads, I can make people laugh out loud. It is a very empowering gift to have, and I love to share it, so expect to see many humorous works from me. But I have recently discovered I am able to move people in other ways, to elicit other emotions. I know I can excite people, surprise them, take them to the heights of exhilaration, and to the depths of grief. I can have them experience the most intimate of moments. And I can make people cry. I know this from writing "Eve's Story," about the last ten days of our life together. It is these types of stories I want to share as well.

So, that's me, my story. I have never felt I was particularly remarkable, and my story is undoubtedly similar to many others'.  But everyone does have a story, and they all have worth, and deserve telling. I hope you find something to take away from my story, or are at least amused by it. And there may be those of you, those who've had their lives planned out since birth, and followed every road map, every blueprint without deviation, who've reached and surpassed every goal, have a wonderful family, the perfect life, who are wondering, What's the big deal? They may even wonder that with smugness or derision. I don't know, maybe it's the Zoloft talking, but I just don't care.  After all, this story is just about.....me.

Thanks for taking the time.   Don